BY Nik Kowsar
Micestan News – Tehran, March 24, 2025 – Confidential report leaked by a mouse embedded in the Supreme Leader’s drywall.
On Monday, The Atlantic reported a surreal incident: someone accidentally added editor-in-chief Jeffrey Goldberg to a secret Signal group chat where a handful of U.S. military and political figures were openly discussing airstrikes on Yemen’s Houthi rebels – complete with emojis, bro banter, and light war crimes.
Naturally, this set off alarms – not just in Washington, but deep inside the musty walls of Ayatollah Khamenei’s heavily surveilled living room in Iran.
It was supposed to be just another peaceful morning for the Supreme Leader: a little opium, a strong glass of tea, and two solid hours of cursing Zionists and various infidels. But his routine came to a screeching halt when he discovered he’d been excluded from the Signal group chat.
Yes, that chat – the one where JD Vance, Pete Hegseth, and a curated dozen Very Serious Men™ were planning airstrikes and trading emojis like it was Fantasy Jihad League.
And then came the ultimate insult: Jeffrey Goldberg got added. Goldberg! The man behind The Atlantic. The Ayatollah’s enemies weren’t just plotting against his beloved Houthis – they were doing it in front of a reporter.
“WHO THE HELL IS THIS ZIONIST GOLDBERG?!” the Supreme Leader reportedly shrieked, hurling a dusty copy of The Protocols of the Elders of WhatsApp across the room.
So the story goes: someone had the absolute gall to add Jeffrey Goldberg to this exclusive national security group chat – right in the middle of planning airstrikes on the Houthis. And of course, the Houthis – being the Ayatollah’s beloved little proxies – had dared to stir up a bit of trouble for some very large boats in the Red Sea.
So, naturally, Khamenei – who was still reeling from Israel’s surprise attack on the Hezbollah chief (you know, without any sort of heads-up) – was just dying to get some indirect intel from his new indirect best friend, Trump Middle East envoy Steve Witkoff. Because if there’s anyone you want spilling secrets about national security, it’s a guy who just got added to a group chat! What could possibly go wrong?
Because really, who wouldn’t want Khamenei in on a chat about airstrikes? It’s not like he has a packed schedule or anything. Right?
According to intel gathered by a highly credentialed mouse in his wall, Khamenei was soon pacing furiously in his slippers, muttering: “All these years of hating America, and now they won’t even leak war plans to me?”
He summoned a junior Ayatollah (AA-level, not yet AAA) and raged: “Even Javad Zarif could’ve been added to that chat. This is institutional discrimination!”
Zarif – the smooth-talking salesman who once convinced the world that Khamenei wasn’t after a nuke, had issued a Fatwa against the bomb, and merely wanted a very small, petite, and extremely peaceful nuclear program – would’ve totally made the cut.
Aides tried to calm the Ayatollah with promises of a soothing rewatch of the Tucker-Witcoff interview: “Remember, Your Opiumness,” one whispered, “Witcoff said he loves strong men with magnificent beards. That’s practically a Fatwa of admiration.”
Still, the Supreme Leader was inconsolable.
“When they shut down Voice of America Persian and tried to kill Radio Farda (Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty’s Persian service), I felt like somebody,” he sniffled, pulling the covers over his head.
“Now? Nothing. Just ghosts and emojis.”
From inside the walls, a senior mouse in the Court of Holy Holes™ confirmed that His Holiness has now sent an indirect message to Washington – via an indirect intermediary – requesting a heads-up next time the Americans organize a group chat to hit any proxies of the Islamic Regime. Because, apparently, the Ayatollah just wants to feel included.
A mouse from the White House (not authorized to speak, but still speaking) told Micestan News on background: “Honestly, we didn’t mean to offend him. We just figured Signal was banned in Iran.”
A mouse from Witcoff’s region was reached via direct message and added: “Look, he didn’t leave him out on purpose. He just didn’t have his direct number. Plus, Witcoff wasn’t sure if Signal was supported out of Doha.”
Khamenei, for his part, now suspects this entire diplomatic disaster is the result of a technical error.
“If it had been a WhatsApp group,” a source close to the floorboards quoted him, “everything would have been O.K.”
The mouse stuck in the drywall added: “He’s convinced that if it had been a WhatsApp group, he’d already be admin.”
–End of Story–
Micestan News Agency
Copyright 2025 Nik Kowsar, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. Nik Kowsar is an award-winning Iranian-American journalist, cartoonist, and water issues analyst based in Washington, D.C. He was exiled to Canada and the U.S. after his arrest for a cartoon satirizing a powerful cleric.
