True Strength Requires Commitment

Recently, a young woman by the name of Lily Phillips caused a stir in the media for a documentary in which she chronicles her experience of having “slept” with one hundred men in a single day. The event—intended as content for her OnlyFans page—was supposed to be a milestone. But what the documentary inadvertently captured was the state of a broken woman who had experienced significant trauma. Still, the evident trauma did not stop Phillips from stating—seemingly proud of her behavior—that such extreme promiscuity is “not for the weak girls.” 

Robert Fastiggi, in his book Catholic Sexual Morality, describes the contemporary sexual landscape by noting that our culture today promotes a false narrative about the sexual act—especially insofar as it tells us that men and women are much happier as a result of their sexual liberation. But if men and women are indeed happier, then why does Phillips come across as so unhappy?

Sex is Unique 

There is something to be said about the uniqueness of the sexual act. In his book One Body: An Essay in Christian Sexual Ethics, Alexander Pruss lays down a foundation of rules inherent in the sexual act that most people would probably agree with. These rules can take on a moral dimension—for example, that rape is wrong—or a customary one—such as in the exchange of rings in a wedding. Pruss argues that the “number of rules” associated with the sexual act attributes an inherent value to it. But he probes even deeper with the suggestion that what may at the surface seem casual to many is, in fact, “highly selective.”

Pruss details a set of criteria that people often subscribe to before engaging in the sexual act with another person. The first criterion is that it not be performed with a relative. The second is that it not be random in selection; for example, a person will often deliberately choose a member of the opposite sex. The third criterion is that there needs to be a certain level of attraction to the person, which usually entails some prior interaction. In an interview in the documentary, Phillips shared that she likes to “be chatty and chirpy” to help men feel relaxed before having sex with them. A fourth criterion is that sexual activity occur in private and only between two people. The final criterion is that one not seek out sexual activity with other species. Additional criteria people consider would be not seeking out sexual activity with minors, and practicing “safe sex”—via the use of contraceptive products—so as to avoid unwanted consequences such as disease and pregnancy. 

The irony of contraception is that it undermines having a stable, long-term mate rather than temporary partners. Pruss notes that people might also take substances to help them bypass the brain’s selectivity process. But substance use constitutes a further acknowledgment of how important reasoning and sound judgment are in sexual decision-making. Ms. Phillips makes an alarming declaration in her interview when she states that “Sometimes you just disassociate; . . . it’s not like normal sex at all.” Implicit in Phillips’s testimony is the uniqueness of the sexual act. Indeed, the fact that she acknowledges “it’s not like normal sex” raises the question: what is normal sex?

In his encyclical Humanae Vitae, Pope Paul VI highlights two distinctive characteristics inherent to the sexual act: its unitive and procreative natures. The sexual act is unitive because it creates a unique bond that expresses something deep and personal within each person. This bond is unlike, for example, hugs and handshakes, which signal affection and solidarity. This particular act probes much deeper into the human condition. It expresses a desire for closeness with another. Genesis 2:24 illustrates this concept eloquently when the term “one flesh” is used to describe this bond. This “one-flesh” union leads to the other characteristic of the sexual act, its capacity to procreate. The sexual act is ordered toward the creation of new life. This ability for union is found exclusively in the biology of male and female only. This is evident from the fact that a person cannot perform the sexual act with multiple people at the same time. Likewise, a sperm can fertilize an egg only once. A child will forever be connected to his or her two biological parents. This reality produces a barrier for Phillips. “Real sex,” as Phillips referred to it, is in the context of its design; it is a bonding act meant to bring about the most intimate association with another.

The Sexual Drive

Fastiggi notes that there is a natural order in the sexual act, one that is tied to the pleasure it brings. But if that natural drive for sexual pleasure is not ruled by reason, it can become a destructive force. This points to the fact that sexuality plays a natural role in human development. Many people in the current sexual landscape have perverted the authentic goal of the sexual act by making its only goals pleasure and satisfaction. But the wisdom of Pope John Paul II teaches us that there is a precise meaning tied to the sexual drive. It is there to act as a means to be directed toward something good—it is not intended to be an end in itself. If we remove the proper ends the sexual act is intended for, we reduce it to a mere instrument, to be used for the purpose of pleasure only. Pleasure must be subordinated to love so that the sexual drive become the means of proper union with another. That union is properly directed toward love and marriage. 

John Paul II explains that sexual union expresses not only love but also the potential for new life. The sexual act has the inherent potential to produce another life; to disregard this reality is to discard the dignity of the other person altogether.

Phillips admits in the interview that “in my head I can think of five, six guys, 10 guys that I remember. And that’s it. It’s just weird, isn’t it? If I didn’t have the videos, I wouldn’t have known that I’d done a hundred.” This is a heartwrenching admission. Her reports of feeling disassociated from her body and “robotic” during the ordeal are implicit acknowledgments that she felt used by the men. Phillips’s admission highlights the perverse nature of what occurred; she became an object of use instead of a person to be loved. Phillips continues, “I guess when you’ve promised something to people who support you, it’s kind of hard to let them down.” In an ironic twist, she seems to imply a deeper meaning that brings her closer to what the sexual act is designated for—being a covenant between two loving spouses, not an exchange of commodities.

The Proper Designation of the Sexual Act is Marriage 

Paul VI describes four characteristics that explain why the sexual act is ordered toward marital love. The first characteristic of marital love is that it is fully human. It’s not a feeling of overwhelming emotion or instinct—instead, it is an act of free will for a couple to choose to give themselves as a gift to one another. This creates a trust that goes beyond feelings. It builds a commitment that helps the couple unite and grow together, achieving their full potential. A five-minute conversation cannot speed up the process. People crave what is natural to the thing they are pursuing, even if they do not quite know what that is. By separating these innate characteristics from sexual intimacy, sexual promiscuity produces negative side effects. Still, Phillips seeks to establish her own purpose for the sexual act. She creates her own guidelines for herself and her “participants.” But those self-imposed parameters are empty because they do not actualize sexuality’s natural purpose.

The second characteristic is that marital love is “total.” There is a special bond between a husband and a wife in which they give up thinking about their own convenience for the sake of each other. In this special bond each one cherishes the other person for who they are, and the two delight in giving themselves to one another. The third characteristic of marital love is that it is also “faithful.” There is no greater love that one can give to someone else than to care for them until their natural life ends. This commitment demonstrates safety and comfort in the bond. It also provides the concrete familial stability needed to raise children. This sums up the next characteristic of married love—namely, that it is fruitful. A committed, loving, and trusting bond naturally tends to express itself in a way that seeks to produce new life.

Phillips inserts a word of caution to anyone trying to follow in her footsteps. “It’s not for the weak girls, if I’m honest. It was hard. I don’t know if I’d recommend it. It’s a different feeling. It’s just one in, one out; it feels intense.” Here, she appears to have a distorted perception of strength. This is an unfortunate side effect of denigrating the sexual act: an inability to acknowledge that true strength requires commitment. Despite this, Phillips still plans on pursuing sex with one thousand men in 24 hours to break her record. With that trail of bodies, one hopes Phillips won’t lose herself in the bunch.

Image by Joost and licensed via Adobe Stock.